It’s not cheating!

Ever had a crush on a video game character? I confess: it was my guilty pleasure letting Ezio Auditore do some extra climbing in the early hours of Assassin’s Creed II, just because I enjoyed the view. And – emotional and awesome as it was – I heaved a wistful sigh when he first donned his father’s assassin outfit. Well, at least he retained his sexy walk.

See, I like strong characters and stories in games, but I also enjoy looking at attractive people. I mean, who doesn’t? And while in most games my male counterparts get to look at ridiculously sexy babes with impossible waists, legs and boobs, personally, I think there aren’t many male protagonists in games that deserve to be called eye-candy. And, let’s be honest, there is not nearly enough male nudity in games. Thanks for trying, Witcher III, but Geralt of Rivia is definitely not on my list of male eye-candy:

White Orchard

Sorry, Geralt of Rivia, your’re not on my list.

So, here are my picks:

1. Gabriel Belmont/Dracula, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2
The Prince of Darkness does not need armor when fighting giant demon bosses, oh no.  And he certainly does not need a shirt! Which is why Gabriel Belmont aka Dracula spends the entire game dressed in tight pants and a blood-red coat that was apparently tailored just to show off his shoulders as well as his muscled midriff and chest. The giant belt buckle, I suppose, was added for modesty. Also, his long hair plays beautifully in the wind when he’s off climbing across the buttresses of his equally beautiful gothic castle or jumping into the air to kick butt.


Gabriel Belmont aka Dracula, striking an impressive pose just after the finishing move on this unfortunate guard about to crash to the floor behind him.

2. Isaac Briggs, Splinter Cell – The Black List
Briggs, as he is affectionally called, is the second spec-ops agent on Sam Fisher’s team, an expert sniper, and he certainly makes any return to the Paladin, the team’s flying HQ, worthwhile. He looks incredibly smooth in his ops suit and I so would have loved to spend more time with him. Alas, I couldn’t find anyone to play his coop missions with me.


Isaac Briggs, looking good in black and green.

3. Adam Jensen, Deus Ex-Human Revolution
While Jensen’s coat nicely emphasizes his shoulders, it was not until I played the DLC that I got what the Icarus-trailer so tantalizingly promised: a shirtless Adam. While the blood slightly jarred the overall view, his cool glasses surely made up for that. Unfortunately, recovering his gear is the very first task you get to do in the DLC.


Uhm, Adam? You’ve got blood on your chest. The glasses rock, though.

4. Dorian Pavus, Dragon Age Inquisition

Dragon Age™: Inquisition_20160408192259

Dorian Pavus is possibly the only mage who actually looks good wearing an outfit like this one.

Yes, he’s gay and that is pretty obvious the first time we catch a glimpse of him. But don’t you just love those shoulders he so likes to show off, that perfect face with that debonair moustache and the beautifully chiselled rest of his body? I certainly do.

5. Ezio Auditore da Firenze, Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood
“Every woman picks Ezio as their favourite assassin!” a co-worker howled, when I told him just that. Well, sorry, boys, you simply can’t compare to Ezio.


When in Rome… Ezio Auditore, doing his best to impress the ladies with his mysterious looks.

Ezio is already a charming, smart-mouthed ladykiller when he is first introduced in Assassin’s Creed II. And yes, he’s got a great butt and nice shoulders. But, let’s face it, he’s just a kid back then. Thankfully, by the time Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood begins, he’s matured into a rather dashing, older version of his self. Plus, I found another guilty pleasure: letting Ezio do lots of fist-fights in the cellar of the mercenary barracks. Shirtless, of course.


The 200 florins shot. That’s how much money I had to bet on winning fist-fights just to get it right. Totally worth it, though.

So, do you agree with my list?

One thought on “It’s not cheating!

  1. Fallout Girl says:

    Hilarious! Best angle to assess games ever 😉 Have to put some of these on my shopping list.

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